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The Diary: Granny the mad hatter

SOME years ago David Donaldson found himself relaxing on the sun-lounge in the Argyll Hotel, overlooking the Sound of Iona. Our correspondent was studying the dinner menu when a woman and her two well-spoken daughters – aged about eight and 10 – arrived.

“I’m looking for the book with a picture of granny in it,” the lady informed her girls. “Granny is sitting outside a cafe wearing a big hat.”

“Why would somebody take a picture of granny?” enquired the eldest girl.

“Because she was eccentric,” came the reply.

“What does eccentric mean?” asked the girl.

“Mad,” confirmed mother.

Future imperfect

UNLIKE other sections of The Herald, the Diary doesn’t merely report the news. We manage to predict it… with a little help from a Glasgow gagster.

Perusing the 2017 edition of the Diary Annual, reader Gordon McRae stumbled upon a tale about comedian Brian Limond, also known as Limmy, who prophesised there would be a big war affecting a westernised nation in 2022.

It started out as a throwaway line from a quirky comic.

Tragically nobody’s laughing now.

Nippy wee number

EARLIER this week Michael Dale visited his dentist where Radio Clyde is normally burbling in the background, playing some innocuous ditty.

Not this week. As our poor reader was clenching his toes and ordering himself to relax, the tune being broadcast was the band REM’s hit song… Everybody Hurts.

Michael certainly didn’t need reminding of that.

Boxing (not) clever

TRAVELLER’S tales, continued. As a Walking Tour Guide in Glasgow, Gordon Hart regularly takes visitors to see the old police box on Buchanan street.

Gordon once informed an American holidaymaker that the curious edifice was used by members of the constabulary in the days before walkie-talkies and mobile phones.

This intrigued the lady from the States, who scrutinised the blue box before saying: “Were they not awfully heavy to carry?”

Glam gadabout?

DESPERATE to be a social butterfly, reader Lorraine Gallagher concedes: “Having plans sounds like a great idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.”

In the drink

VISITING a dingy Glasgow pub with his grandfather, reader Jack Davidson was foolish enough to order soup from the bar. It arrived with little flies floating in the liquid.

Jack pointed this out to his grandad, who shrugged, then said: “See, that’s nice thick soup. Not one of those flies has gone under yet.”

Cruel cuddle

“I TOLD my wife to embrace her mistakes,” says reader Matthew Finlay. “So she gave me a hug.”

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