The Diary: Forking out on a backscratcher

FINDING himself in the kitchen utensils aisle in Morrisons, reader Jack Davidson happened to mention to his adult son, standing next to him, that he wanted to find the bathroom accessories, as he was in need of a backscratcher to use in the shower.

A wee wummin sidled up to Jack and said: “You don’t need a backscratcher. They’re such fiddly things and they snap so easily.”

She then pointed to one of the kitchen utensils for sale, a large fork-like object for draining spaghetti.

“Use one of those instead,” she said. “I do. And it’s marvellous.”

Our reader was left speechless as the lady walked away, before returning briefly to add: “Just remember, though. Don’t make spaghetti with it after doing your back.”

Same sex solidarity

WAITING for a train at Muirend station, reader Harold Bourke spotted a well-dressed couple with their young daughter, who was about six-years-old and having a rare old time splashing in puddles.

“Don’t do that,” scolded her father. “You’ll get your feet all wet.”

This uncalled for intervention outraged the put upon puddle-splasher, who responded at full volume: “It’s not fair!”

The mother could have sided with her husband at this point. Instead, she decided to play the feminist card, and commiserated with her daughter by saying: “Didn’t I warn you about the patriarchy, darling?”

Message received?

ECUMENICALLY minded reader Ian Noble from Carstairs Village gets in touch to say: “I’ve often wondered about St John’s letter to the Corinthians. I know it was a long time ago, but did they ever reply?”

Money matters

WE recently pondered why pyjama trousers have pockets. Reader Alan Russell says: “I find them very useful for keeping my wallet, which I’ll certainly need if I ever bump into the 1970s version of Raquel Welch in one of my dreams, and offer to buy her a drink.”

Pooped party pooper

RESIGNED to his fate, reader Mark Patterson says: “Going to bed early, not leaving my house and not going to a party were all my childhood punishments. Now they’ve become my adult goals.”

Feisty food

A SERIES of fishy tales in the Diary inspires Russell Smith from Largs to get in touch to tell us: “I once had a meal where the fish was so fresh it kicked the chips off the plate.”

Flaky fun

DANDRUFF from the heavens has been heaping itself high in Scotland again, which inspires reader Beryl West to ask: “What do you call an elderly snowman?”

The answer is, of course… water.

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