The Dairy: Lawyers live for ever

LAWYERS often advise people how to stay out of the pokey. Though sometimes a client has more spiritual needs…

“Hi, are you a lawyer?” a chap on the phone once asked Glasgow solicitor Matthew Berlow.

Matthew responded that, indeed, he was.

In an eager voice, the fellow on the other end of the line said: “I’m looking for a free consolation about power of eternity.”

With a regretful shrug, Matthew tells the Diary: “I like to do all I can for clients, but immortality is a step too far.”

Wobbly walking

WE continue improving the English Dictionary by perking up its pages with new definitions.

John Mulholland suggests: Partygait – a manner of walking used by government officials and MPs as they exit 10 Downing Street while attempting to disguise the fact that they may have consumed alcohol at a lockdown gathering.

Party popper

ON a similar theme… The revelation that Boris Johnson belted out the Gloria Gaynor song ‘I Will Survive’ leads reader Phil Graham to suggest that the PM follow it up with his version of the Lesley Gore hit: ‘It’s My Party (and I’ll lie if I want to).’

Och aye spy

THE Diary is discussing people whose names perfectly fit their vocation. Though sometimes, points out Andy Merry from Leith, a person’s name actually contradicts the work they do.

For example, Andy recently received a message from the Public Information department of the Scottish Parliament from a lady named… Camilla Englander.

“Is this a poorly executed attempt to infiltrate Holyrood by a rookie MI5 spy?” asks our suspicious reader.

Down Under diatribe

THE following tale manages to use up the Diary’s entire ration of asterisks for the year…

An Australian chap told Russell Smith from Largs about an English cricket captain who was verbally abused on the pitch by an Australian player. He stomps off to the Ozzie changing room after the match and complains to their captain, who calls out: “Okay, which one of you b******s called this b****** a b******?”

Frisky phone call

GOLF tales continued. A friend of reader Richard Davis was working in an office when she overheard a colleague saying to her husband, who had clearly just informed her that he was going golfing that evening: “What! Have you got luminous balls?”

The comment was said loud enough for the entire office to hear. Cue an instant explosion of sniggers and tittering.

Killer contradiction

THOUGHT for the day from reader Mike Baker, who says: “I think oxymorons are awfully good.”

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