Politics

Rab McNeil: I don’t believe it: Victor Meldrew is back

You’d better believe it: Victor Meldrew is back. The grumpy character from hit sitcom One Foot In The Grave has been revived in book form by creator David Renwick. Set 20 years on, Victor remains distinctly irritated by everything and has no interest in social media. A role model for us all.

Eddie lizard

Alien lizards rule the planet, according to 12% of millennials in a study of 2,000 “Britons” by leading academic institution, Topp Casino Bonus. The theory, espoused by former Hereford United goalkeeper David Icke, maintains that US presidents and British royals are reptilian humanoids capable of changing shape. That would explain the politicians’ forked tongues.

Uplifting news

A Japanese nanotech company has invented a 3D display system allowing lift-users to press holographic buttons instead of having to touch germ-ridden surfaces. In Scotland, the system is also expected to replace voice-activated lifts that cannot understand Scottish accents. No more need, per the famous Burnistoun sketch, to shout in frustration, “Eleven, ya cow!”

Nutjobs

Top headbangers the Taliban have ordered the beheading of shop dummies. The Afghan regime’s Ministry for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice says tailors’ dummies are statues and, under Islamic law, statues are right dodgy. Accordingly, their heads must be removed. Consumer experts say the ruling could particularly affect purveyors of millinery.

Vexing Mexicans

The burrito was invented by Kim Jong-un’s father, according to North Korean state media. Previously, it was thought Mayans invented the repast in Mexico about 1500 BC. But now it transpires it was actually created by Kim Jong-il just before his death in 2011, the same year that he invented the white pudding supper.

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